I thought I had conquered the world after graduating in Engineering from a Second Tier University. I felt happy as I saw my dreams, realizing in my mind. I belonged to a lower-middle-class family. My scores in college were average. Although I was one of the top performers till high school, I couldn’t manage to keep the streak going in the college. No top rated Engineering college would accept me. Having no other option, I applied for Tier-2 institutes and got accepted in all of them. I or shall I say my parents chose the one with the least financial burden for them. I don’t blame them, they did the best they could.
Journey: Filled With Not Much Happiness
As my journey started, soon I was recognized as one of the most able students by teachers and fellows, just as I was till high school. The four-year journey was one of the most memorable and happy experiences of my life till now. I had to work hard, really hard at times and I seldom work hard. There were times when I enjoyed being on the programme and there were times when I wished it to be over soon. Sometimes there was not much work to do but the concepts were really complicated often left me wondering “Am I ever going to use this concept in my life”. Other times there was so much to do that the days just felt short. Nevertheless, in the end, I blanked out again in the final semester just like I became in college after high school. I passed, though, with an average GPA.
At the day of the final exam of the final semester, I was so happy that I can’t express the magnitude of happiness I felt. There was so much to be joyful for. First, it was an end of the ordeal for my father. I don’t know how he paid my tuition and kept running the household. Secondly, just before the final result, my family shifted to our home from a rented one. Then in my imagination, a nice job just waited outside the corner and deservingly so too, as I had been a distinguished student throughout my life. I felt standing at the peak of a mountain, conquered and proud. I was an Engineer, a triumph not a lot of people achieve.
I started my job search with dreams in my heart and all the positive attitude one can have. Days started turning into weeks, weeks into months, months into a year. I applied everywhere. Anxiety and frustration grew, bit by bit, day by day. I couldn’t comprehend the fact that I wasn’t being called for even an interview at a frequency I had expected or my friends were getting. I did appear in some interviews and up to best of my knowledge performed well but the interviewers thought otherwise. My class fellows started getting jobs one by one, some got nice jobs and some not so good but as long as they had one they were in a better position than I was. At the end of my first year of unemployment, the question of remaining jobless for so long also came in the rare interviews which I had the honour of at least appearing in. It is difficult to describe the emotions I was going through.
After shifting to our own home and no more tuition fee, our family was not under a financial strain any more. I would say we became upper-middle-class from the lower middle class. Still, I was a jobless 23-year-old. I came to realize that being in this age without doing anything is considered one of the most abhorred character. People watch you with conscious. They don’t treat you normally. Some are warry of your thoughts. Some are just mindful. It becomes increasingly difficult to have a friendly conversation or even get into one.
Recognizing My Failure
People from my age group were starting their independent lives. They were buying cars, going to corporate events, talking about aspects of professional life which I wasn’t aware of. Whenever I met any of them, they looked gleaming with happiness. It was a time that even my friends and family started having doubts in me. They didn’t say it loud but I got the gist, that there was a question of my inability to get even the smallest of a job after one and a half year. Anyone who has been jobless for a significant amount of time can understand the time I was going through. I stopped going to family events and gatherings. I was embarrassed to answer the same question again and again. I became the lost son. Even my parents were more focussed on my younger siblings, about their education. I can’t say enough, it was a difficult time of my life.
I don’t understand if it was a miracle, luck or the fruit of my hard work which was slowing down lately, but I got a job. I still don’t understand how I was finalized even after giving the same level of interview many times before. I didn’t give much thought to it as I was just pleased to have the job. The job itself didn’t seem too odd or too impressive. It was decent. After suffering so much and for so long, one thinks that I might have been insanely happy but No, I was more relieved than happy.
I started the job thinking once again that the world has finally felt my pain. Soon I became immersed in work and became part of corporate hustle and bustle. The misery of the past started to fade away. I started seeing the world in a new light after a long time. I started to be happy again. After two years working in the same position, it dawned on me that there is more to just having the job. People on my left and right started progressing. My colleagues who were at my level and my friends or at least so I considered them, started moving up the corporate ladder. I was left at the outside of their inner circle. I realized something is missing in my attitude. I wasn’t the rash or incompetent employee but I wasn’t considered for promotion either.
Observing Behaviours
I began to observe the little hints and attributes of the behaviour of my colleagues who were so eager to progress. I observed there was a little lack of contentment at their end. Whenever there was news of a higher-level position they had the courage and guts to apply for it. I completely lacked that initiative. First, I thought that they are ungrateful. They don’t cherish the things they have. But that was not it. I kept thinking one thing and another, trying to make up some sort of justification for their progress and my lack of it.
I never got hold of what the real reason was until recently almost 12 years of my professional life. During that period of unemployment and distress, my ego was much crushed, my confidence shattered that I never thought I was good enough for a new role. I was so contented of having a job that I forgot that I was not going to stay here forever. My colleagues who got in the same position as I was just after a month of their graduation had an enormous amount of energy which they carried from their student life, mine was exhausted. They had the confidence, the momentum and attitude to go for the next big thing. I was so much happy with what I had.
Even now, after twelve years have passed, I still lag that kind of attitude. Is it because of my time of unemployment? Or maybe I never had it in the first place. I can’t say for sure, but there is one thing I can say for sure,
Whatever happens in your life, no matter how troubling things might seem, do not enter the neighbourhood of despair. Even when all doors remain closed, God will open up a new path only for you. Be thankful! It is easy to be thankful when all is well. A Sufi is thankful not only for what he has been given but also for all that he has been denied.
SHams tabrez
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