Nostalgia

I was in a situation where I felt nostalgic. I can’t remember whether I was depressed or just melancholic but I definitely felt nostalgia. Instead of running pushing away this feeling, I went back to my childhood place. The place I grew, the place where I had all the dreams while growing up, the place that was my childhood.

Did you ever have a feeling that your life is moving too fast?  Or felt a moment in time that you are running behind the things which you might have already acquired? I have. It is said that some events inspire a person to stop in their tracks, detach themselves from the daily clockwork activities and retrospect. I was fortunate enough to experience this in a very positive manner. I realized only after a while that I was fortunate enough. Here it is how it happened with me.

How I Started Feeling Nostalgia

I got laid off from work. I was well respected among the senior and junior staff. I was working in the top tech multinational company of the country. I felt proud because I never sucked up to anyone, didn’t took part in office politics. My colleagues envied me. I was all work and go home, an epitome of professionalism (as per my colleagues). When my management called me in the meeting room and told me I was being let go, strangely I was unable to feel anything. I was not numb or in trance rather peculiarly calm about the whole ordeal. I knew that there would be some layoffs, everyone in the team knew it but I never in my wild imagination thought that I would be the one. I didn’t say a word not because I was transfixed or anything but I just had nothing to say. I walked back to my seat and resumed my work, no one in the team knew, didn’t discuss anything in my home. As far as anyone was concerned nothing had happened.

Next day I called an old friend of mine who was also one of my team members in the same meeting room and told him that I had been let go. He was amazed and shocked. Soon the news was made public by the management and everyone knew. The whole office came to me for condolence. The biggest surprise in this episode was that I was never felt worried or angry during the whole time. I considered the one month notice period as vacation and starting applying in different organizations. I found a job before the end of the notice period.

During the time of the notice period, my routine broke. I had time to take a step back and look everything around me or rather I was pushed aside by a step which enabled me to see things from another perspective. I still had to go to work for a month though only a formality, I abide by it. Because I was free of resentment or anger I sat at my desk and observed my surroundings. I saw my co-workers engrossed in their laptops, feelings of anxiety and urgency evident from their faces. Some were more relaxed than others. I instantly felt nostalgic thinking just a day ago I was also among them hustling and bustling to complete the assigned tasks. For some strange reason, this observation had a serene effect on me. I went to the window (my office was on the 15^th Floor) and watched the wold below. I saw cars hurling to reach the destination. I could relate to most of them imagining myself in their situation. I could instantly tell who is going for a very urgent and important appointment, who is just strolling to kill the time. The melancholy changed into a positive type of nostalgia, it there is any. It was like I could see myself in a movie played in front of me in different scenarios and characters. Usually, I wouldn’t stand in the same spot for more than a few seconds but since I was already let go and could enjoy whatever I wanted to, I kept standing and watching the traffic, the pedestrians the sirens of Ambulances, the street vendors for a solid hour. I was filled with contentment and calmness.

I Realized Why I Was Meloncholic

It took me some time to understand why I felt the nostalgia or melancholy in seeing my life while watching others. I realized that life goes on. We can always feel little glitches, hiccups and hurdles now and then but in the bigger picture, all of it becomes trivial. I thought that life and all this routine, all my colleagues, the traffic outside the window which I never observed before was always there and will still be there when I am gone. I felt sentimental and happy at the same time. I committed then and there that I will revive my old contacts. I made a pact that I will try to contact my old school-fellows, my teachers, my university friends without judgement and prejudice. Suddenly I forgot any ill feelings I had for any of my old friends or teachers. A deep desire just arose inside me to find what they were doing. Anyone of them could be in one of the cars I saw through the window the other day. I was too busy to look back and check on my old connections. I started to look at the tragedy that struck me as a blessing. I embraced the feeling of nostalgia and decided to give in to it.

Now don’t get me wrong I wasn’t fed up with life if that’s what you are thinking. No, I just felt wistful by realizing that I was blessed with so much. When I stopped myself or rather I should say in my case I was stopped forcefully from thinking about the cat and mouse game for career development, making an impact exploring new horizons, a sort of self-actualization happened. It dawned on me that the things that induced all that energy and will in me to move up in life and become a high achiever have been lost. The very catalysts which were responsible for making my attitude positive were though still there but forgotten by me. It was like that piece of cloth or furniture which you adored at one time but after some time you forget about it, you stop thinking about it. It’s still there but becomes invisible to you and at some point, an event or a memory suddenly triggers the same feeling for that thing. Then you suddenly realize that it had always been there and it was you who got busy.

I started a treasure hunt for my old school and college friends on social media. I found some of them and you can’t imagine the satisfaction I gained just by chatting with them. I couldn’t find my school teachers. I went to my home town, I saw the streets in which I played and roamed as a kid and teenager. I also went to my college though not inside just a drive-by. I saw my school were as a kid I had dreams. Everything looked so different and so surreal, though it had always been there. The shops where I ate after schools with friends were still there. Those were some of the best days of my life. I stopped to thinks about what were my dreams back then. Surely, like every child, I had innocent and silly desires. I wanted to have a car, a nice job, a family. And here I was with all that. I used to adore young men driving in cars wearing formal clothes. I never knew what they did or what can be called a good job. They just symbolized a successful and happy life for me. Now I was in those streets driving a car, already securing a job with a family. I saw the park which was my world as a kid, this is where my parents took me and my siblings on the weekends. We longed to be in that simple park, we anticipated for days. I never knew what Disney land was or what other exotic holiday locations are like. Maybe I had heard of them but never took any interest.

I realized I have every single thing which I dreamt of even for once before I started my practical life. But it was just that the desires never stopped, it’s like they start to climb a leader one after the other.

Stop! Whatever you are doing. Take a step back. Look around where you are sitting whether at your workplace, business, airport, bus stop etc. Look at the people around you as if you are watching a movie. I can assure you for some strange reason you will feel a feeling of serenity when you see the life happening. And please I urge you, go back in time. Visit your childhood home, school and neighbourhood. Next time you feel nostalgia, don’t run away from it. Something or someone from the past is calling you. Take a day off just to go back in time, its’ worth every penny.